An April Afternoon

Upstate New York, Lake Champlain
at Fort Saint Frederic
16  April 2024

It was a beautiful Spring day.

And here at 1 AM in the morning, my

throat is sore from a screaming nightmare

that woke me up. 

Vivid person appears intent on

harming me in the dream. Out of nowhere, 

at a place I don't know, fearing being there,

hearing somebody following me.

Not a good thing for that person

Anger is powerful, my anger.

The scream is louder than usual 

because I am certain there is

not going to be  good outcome.

Ergo, I awake. 

Cough drops at the ready.

Later that morning... 

I fell back asleep. Around 4 AM , I woke to a louder scream, different person, same danger though. My throat is slightly scratchy. Beautiful sunny day, I went out and had a relaxing time, bought and planted violas, lunch at McD, and a thrift store stop. I picked up a few lovely small containers for my picnic basket. 

There's a gorgeous ecru leather sofa there that I would buy in a heartbeat if I had the room. I also bought a small postal scale for letters from April 1988...1st class...$0.25 cents!

Anyway, I believe the nightmares are due to a heavy (for me) stress event this week that I volunteered for. As it is, I think it is best to let that go; and try a less stressful event.

Living With Anxiety

This is my version based on my experiences living with depression since, I believe, I was a very young child. Mother took me to doctors who couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was always tired, missed lots of school, just not quite a spry kid. I was called lazy. 

Anxiety. A very bad emotional and physical feeling that all at once everybody in the world hates me, and wishes me ill. 

Dreads. A very bad sense that something horrific is going to happen to me ranging from from mild to severe.

Panic attack. Sheer terror in its most concentrated sense.

Anxiety attack. At its worse, a feeling like I am dieing.

The difference between a panic attack and anxiety attack for me is that with an anxiety attack, I feel like I am dieing; and with a panic attack, I know I am dieing or might be dead, but nobody told me.

PTSD is the salad made from all of the above.

I manage my symptoms based on my decades of experience. Mostly, I avoid being too active in situations that involve a lot of people, too many appointments in a short time frame, and, being careful of what I eat. When I drive, I rarely use the radio and never wear cologne because they might trigger an anxiety surge. Days, sometimes weeks before an event or appointment, I begin to prepare by having a bland diet, relaxing, and going over in my mind the event. It is an adjustment struggle knowing folks aren't going to bite me, but I know they have teeth.

If things are going smoothly, then I have less physical discomfort. When PTSD flares up out of nowhere, then I back track to the source. From there, I can managed the symptoms. In the beginning, I had no idea why I would have episodes of screaming and/or crying. Nobody I knew, including a therapist I saw back then (1980s), knew what was going on. 

My life fell apart and landed in a worse place than the one I left. Decades later, I know more now than I did before is a great healing support.

There is a lot of good information out there about managing mental health issues. Read, research, and know your rights.